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Question Code: RG4G58iP Hi I have a 7 year old son who has been going to school with the same boys since pre,school one of them was a good mate but when separated in grade 1 have drifted apart as this boy made friends with the out there boys who tend to pick on my son. I feel the confidence of my son has diminished, he is a smart boy, very tall for his age, but a gentle giant, even his cousins and sister seem to not want him to play with them, he seems to find it easier to play computer games. He played soccer this year which he enjoyed and seemed to get on with his team mates but again no close friendship made, he is a lovely kid I would really like to help him.
Answer: Hello and thank you for your question. I think the first thing that jumps out at me in reading your question, is that we would need to figure out the “why” or “what” that is getting in his way during social interactions. You may want to observe him and see if you can determine the reasons why other children or his family members do not want to play. When working with a child with social challenges, we are looking for the barriers to friendship and peer relationships that a child might have. These could include: not knowing “how” to join in, prefers to spend time with adults, being painfully shy or the opposite and being too boisterous and energetic, misreading social cues and feedback, having a unique personality or interest, etc. From your description of “gentle giant” I would venture a guess that he may not naturally pick up on the “how” of social interactions or be able to hold his own in a group. I would encourage you to become a social “detective” and watch him with other kids from that perspective. How old is his sister? You might want to have a private conversation with her about what makes him difficult to play with. I would also encourage you to start exploring activities along with soccer or enrolling him in a social skills program in your area to give him more social opportunities and coaching towards his social success. Please feel free to write again if I can be of further help.
Question Code: 9q2Bp7jK My 5 yearold son just started kindergarten and loves it. He is very bright and appears rather poised and confident (many parents have commented that he seems older than he is). Additionally, he is and always has been very verbal and his physical abilities have always been above his age level. He is the oldest of two boys (brother is 2 and is definately on target for his age in all areas but not -at lest it appears- above average in so many areas). I know I have been blessed but I am often confused b/c all of my older son's development is a first time experience for me. That's the background. My question is in regards to my 5 year-old - I see him trying to be friends with kids who are a few years older (and they see him as a 5 yrold not a potential friend). I sort of wince when I see him trying so hard. I worry that he is becoming annoying to them and that he is or will be made fun of. How can I guide him in this situation OR is it something he is going to have to learn on his own - the hard way by being hurt when he finally realizes the reality of the situation. My head is telling me its option number two-a learning experience-and that I just need to let go and be prepared to comfort and help work thru it .... but my heart doesn't want him to hurt. I know this is a small problem compared to many but I just don't quite know how to handle this but understand that as he becomes more independent my role in social situations may be more in the background until he comes to me. Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you
Answer: Hello and thank you for your question! I am a mom too, and have always been a believer in going with the "heart" over the head thing when the heart is speaking. Yes, kids do need to learn what actions work and don't work for them from peer feedback, but that doesn't mean you can't prepare him for the potential feedback (for example, older kids may not want to play with someone younger than them) and give him some tools to use when he does end up on those situations. Things like, if you've tried to get someone to play with you two times and they don't, then it's time to find someone else. Let him know that asking too many times will create annoyance in others. However, you might also give him the strategy of instead of saying "can I play with you?" (which all kids do) that he could try saying "I'd like to play with you" which doesn't as easily elicit a "no" response from the other child(ren). Partnering with your child to social coach him through challenging situations that arise (in my opinion) is much better than the school of hard knocks, and he'll have some tools and strategies when those hard knocks come. Since he has also just started kindergarten, it might be great to connect with some of the other parents of children in his class and schedule playdates with his peers. Please let me know if I can be of any more support!
Question Code: 3q39MoLP My child is friends with a neighbor, however I feel the neighbor is not a good influence on my child. My child is very influenced by playmates, and the neighbor is very bossy and seems to only want to be friends with my child when there is no other children to play with. In situations where there are other children, the neighbor is mean and bullyish toward my child. They are in school together, in the same grade (4), and see each other often. I am not sure how to handle the situation as I do not want my child playing with this child, however my child wants to play with this child and I do not want to offend our neighbor. My child tends to be shy and awkward socially and this neighbor child seems to feed on that. Putting down my child in social situations and manipulating my child. Any advice on how to handle this situation would be appreciated.
Answer: Hello and thank you for your question. This certainly isn't an easy situation for you. I think a conversation with your child about "what a real friend" really is might be a place to start to help your child begin to have an awareness of the real meaning of friendship and how friends treat each other. In coaching other children and in breaking down the treatment they are receiving from other kids, many have come to see that the person they want to be friends with, isn't a true friend in any sense.
Another thing you could do is monitor the play dates at your home (or if they are outside, be outside doing something and listen in) and be courageous enough to firmly, but not offensively, call the other child out on his or her bullyish behaviors. Such as, "I heard that, and it sounded really mean" or "if I keep hearing bossy or mean comments, the playdate will need to stop for today."
The third and most important thing would be to arm your own child to handle difficult people which is an important life skill he/she will need to learn - particularly those kids that are shy and awkward to begin with. I might recommend the book "Stick Up For Yourself: Every Kid's Guide To Personal Power & Self Esteem" available on Amazon.com.
I hope that helps! Please feel free to write again!
Warmly, Donna
Question Code: 95JCDQP2 I have a daughter in grade three. She has always had difficulty making friends, but this year it has gotten worse. She has absolutely no friends. And in most settings, I am seeing that she is having this issue. She is a smart, friendly, kind child, who is also very involved with extra curricular activity. But for the last couple of years, she is constantly struggling to maintain any friendship. She is always abandoned. And this year, she has no one to play with or eat lunch with. She is so depressed, and wants me to pull her out of school. I know many of the children, and have had playdates, but to no avail. I can't quite figure out what is causing this. I do not know what to do.
Answer: Hello and thank you for your question. When we are working with children who have trouble making and keeping friends at the Center, we are looking for specific barriers to friendship that the child may be struggling with. In some kids, it is so mild that it often initially difficult to see (particularly with girls), and that may be the case with your daughter. Without being able to observe her with peers, it would be impossible to venture a guess as to what is going on. Here are some of the barriers that we find in children who have trouble maintaining friendships.
· Bossy · Painfully shy · Aggressive or impulsive · Self talks in public · Perseverates and gets stuck on the same topic or line of thought · Doesn't appear to want friends · Prefers to spend time with adults · Speaks in a harsh tone of voice · Thinks he or she is funny when they're not · Doesn't understand personal space · Unique personality or interests · Rigid or inflexible thinking
So many kids face these barriers that we put them and ideas to overcome them in a book called "How To Make & Keep Friends: Tips For Kids On Managing 50 Common Social Challenges." available here on Social Smart Kids. She may find these easy to use list of tips helpful in her interactions with kids at school and on play dates.
If you don't see anything here that might be a barrier for her, there may be something else going on that a counselor may be able to assist with. The fact that you mentioned depression concerns me and may also be not caused by her lack of friendships, but now also contributing to lack of friendships.
I wish you the best...please write again if I can be of more help.
Question Code: PXy9Usea My daughter is 6 and just started 1st grade. Starting Kinder was the hardest month ever for us. She was very emotional, cried everyday and night and began sleeping with me, which was never done before. Everything got better with support and time. Now in 1st grade and all throughout Kinder she seems so sensitive to other children not including or listening to her enough. I get daily complaints from her that friends will "just say hi and then walk away while I'm talking to them". Or "No one pays attention to me, no one thinks I'm cool", I know kids are very busy at this age but she takes it all so personally. What can I do to help her become more of a leader than a follower or just more independent and confident? Will it just get better? We are going on year 2 of this and it seems to be getting worse. She is an only child, something my husband and I know little about.Thank you so much for any help!
Answer:
Hello and thank you for your question. I have a couple of thoughts to share with you and possibly point you in some directions to take. From your description it sounds as though she is socially & emotionally a little atypical from her peers (and it's very hard to know that when you have an only and no other children to gauge this on). I have a feeling that she is probably very bright and does well academically so that any sort of social developmental discrepancy can cause angst for many kids with their peers.
It also sounds to me as though she may be misinterpreting social cues and feedback from others that is also causing her to feel left out and worried. Or, she may be unknowingly causing herself barriers to friendship in the way of talking too much about the same subjects, not taking the time to listen in a give and take conversation, disrupting others' personal space etc. Having someone observe her at school (particularly at recess) may help highlight any of these barriers that might be happening for her.
She may also be struggling with a non-verbal learning challenge (you can look this up online to see if it fits or not) that prevents her from interpreting others signals and body language correctly. If that does seem to fit, you can request an evaluation through your school system or have something called a neuropsychological evaluation done to help understand how she is processing information.
My colleague and I authored a book available on Amazon that she may also find helpful in the way of over 500 tips for practical and actionable ways to make and keep friends. Here's the link of you decide to check it out:
I hope this helps as a start...please feel free to write again!
Question Code: zr2r5556 I am writing you about my 14 year old son. He has no friends, and does not enjoy any actives. (i.e. Theme Parks, vacations, the water sports) He is very smart and receives high grades in gifted classes with no effort. We have tried to talk him about this and he has a reasons for not liking anything ( Theme Parks because its hot and the lines are long, he doesn't want to get wet so he rather sit in the hot sun for hours and watch everyone in the pool). He says that most people his age are jerks and he chooses not to deal with that. I am strongly encouraging him to do some kind of social group activity of his choice and he cant come up with one thing he would like to do. (anything the sky is the limit) I have also tried to help find something but he has a reason for everything not being a good idea. He also exaggerates very badly. It seem as though he likes to pity himself. He doesn't seem depressed but he doesn't seem to enjoy anything. I have noticed that he is awkward. He walks with his head down as though his self esteem is low. He started puberty early (11) and I am not sure if this is part of that or if he is to book smart to relate to people socially? Please let me know what you think, I appreciate your time.
Answer: Hello and thank you for your question. It's not a question that I feel I have a quick answer for, but I do think that I can point you in some directions to try and take. First of all, I would not rule out having him screened for depression or anxiety by a licensed therapist or child psychologist. Lack of interest and low self-esteem can be symptoms of depression in children and teens. He also sounds as though he may have some sensory processing or sensory integration issues (extreme dislike of heat or getting wet etc.) that may have gone unaddressed before now? You may want to pick up a book called the "Out of Sync Child" to see if any of that fits with what you see. In terms of social activities, you might want to look at things that involve people older than him (friends can be any age) if he is having trouble relating to peers based on how bright he is. What about a volunteer opportunity in your community? Also, if you are close by to where we are located and are on Facebook, you can check out the Nashoba Valley Teen Scene to see if any of the activities we offer for teens might spark some interest.
Question Code: zr2r5556 I am writing you about my 14 year old son. He has no friends, and does not enjoy any actives. (i.e. Theme Parks, vacations, the water sports) He is very smart and receives high grades in gifted classes with no effort. We have tried to talk him about this and he has a reasons for not liking anything ( Theme Parks because its hot and the lines are long, he doesn't want to get wet so he rather sit in the hot sun for hours and watch everyone in the pool). He says that most people his age are jerks and he chooses not to deal with that. I am strongly encouraging him to do some kind of social group activity of his choice and he cant come up with one thing he would like to do. (anything the sky is the limit) I have also tried to help find something but he has a reason for everything not being a good idea. He also exaggerates very badly. It seem as though he likes to pity himself. He doesn't seem depressed but he doesn't seem to enjoy anything. I have noticed that he is awkward. He walks with his head down as though his self esteem is low. He started puberty early (11) and I am not sure if this is part of that or if he is to book smart to relate to people socially? Please let me know what you think, I appreciate your time.
Answer: Hello and thank you for your question. It's not a question that I feel I have a quick answer for, but I do think that I can point you in some directions to try and take. First of all, I would not rule out having him screened for depression or anxiety by a licensed therapist or child psychologist. Lack of interest and low self-esteem can be symptoms of depression in children and teens. He also sounds as though he may have some sensory processing or sensory integration issues (extreme dislike of heat or getting wet etc.) that may have gone unaddressed before now? You may want to pick up a book called the "Out of Sync Child" to see if any of that fits with what you see. In terms of social activities, you might want to look at things that involve people older than him (friends can be any age) if he is having trouble relating to peers based on how bright he is. What about a volunteer opportunity in your community? Also, if you are close by to where we are located and are on Facebook, you can check out the Nashoba Valley Teen Scene to see if any of the activities we offer for teens might spark some interest.
Question Code: zr2r5556 I am writing you about my 14 year old son. He has no friends, and does not enjoy any actives. (i.e. Theme Parks, vacations, the water sports) He is very smart and receives high grades in gifted classes with no effort. We have tried to talk him about this and he has a reasons for not liking anything ( Theme Parks because its hot and the lines are long, he doesn't want to get wet so he rather sit in the hot sun for hours and watch everyone in the pool). He says that most people his age are jerks and he chooses not to deal with that. I am strongly encouraging him to do some kind of social group activity of his choice and he cant come up with one thing he would like to do. (anything the sky is the limit) I have also tried to help find something but he has a reason for everything not being a good idea. He also exaggerates very badly. It seem as though he likes to pity himself. He doesn't seem depressed but he doesn't seem to enjoy anything. I have noticed that he is awkward. He walks with his head down as though his self esteem is low. He started puberty early (11) and I am not sure if this is part of that or if he is to book smart to relate to people socially? Please let me know what you think, I appreciate your time.
Answer: Hello and thank you for your question. It's not a question that I feel I have a quick answer for, but I do think that I can point you in some directions to try and take. First of all, I would not rule out having him screened for depression or anxiety by a licensed therapist or child psychologist. Lack of interest and low self-esteem can be symptoms of depression in children and teens. He also sounds as though he may have some sensory processing or sensory integration issues (extreme dislike of heat or getting wet etc.) that may have gone unaddressed before now? You may want to pick up a book called the "Out of Sync Child" to see if any of that fits with what you see. In terms of social activities, you might want to look at things that involve people older than him (friends can be any age) if he is having trouble relating to peers based on how bright he is. What about a volunteer opportunity in your community? Also, if you are close by to where we are located and are on Facebook, you can check out the Nashoba Valley Teen Scene to see if any of the activities we offer for teens might spark some interest.
Question Code: zr2r5556 I am writing you about my 14 year old son. He has no friends, and does not enjoy any actives. (i.e. Theme Parks, vacations, the water sports) He is very smart and receives high grades in gifted classes with no effort. We have tried to talk him about this and he has a reasons for not liking anything ( Theme Parks because its hot and the lines are long, he doesn't want to get wet so he rather sit in the hot sun for hours and watch everyone in the pool). He says that most people his age are jerks and he chooses not to deal with that. I am strongly encouraging him to do some kind of social group activity of his choice and he cant come up with one thing he would like to do. (anything the sky is the limit) I have also tried to help find something but he has a reason for everything not being a good idea. He also exaggerates very badly. It seem as though he likes to pity himself. He doesn't seem depressed but he doesn't seem to enjoy anything. I have noticed that he is awkward. He walks with his head down as though his self esteem is low. He started puberty early (11) and I am not sure if this is part of that or if he is to book smart to relate to people socially? Please let me know what you think, I appreciate your time.
Answer: Hello and thank you for your question. It's not a question that I feel I have a quick answer for, but I do think that I can point you in some directions to try and take. First of all, I would not rule out having him screened for depression or anxiety by a licensed therapist or child psychologist. Lack of interest and low self-esteem can be symptoms of depression in children and teens. He also sounds as though he may have some sensory processing or sensory integration issues (extreme dislike of heat or getting wet etc.) that may have gone unaddressed before now? You may want to pick up a book called the "Out of Sync Child" to see if any of that fits with what you see. In terms of social activities, you might want to look at things that involve people older than him (friends can be any age) if he is having trouble relating to peers based on how bright he is. What about a volunteer opportunity in your community? Also, if you are close by to where we are located and are on Facebook, you can check out the Nashoba Valley Teen Scene to see if any of the activities we offer for teens might spark some interest.
Question Code: BLh5m532 Hi Donna. My 7-year old son has been recently diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder. We have begun Occupational Therapy over the last two months and are hopeful that it will help him cope with his differences in processing things. This past year was very challenging in school as we placed him in a very structured (almost rigid) school environment and he had quite a tough time adjusting. While he knows the rules backwards and forwards and he's very smart (sometimes too smart), he would tend to act impulsively or blurt out and get in trouble too often. His teacher suggested we get him evaluated and we did. Finding out that he has Sensory Integration issues answered alot of questions for us. So here's our dilemma... We have decided to place Jim in a new school that's more laid back, a little more accepting and diverse. We will most certainly have to tall with his new teacher and help her understand how his SI problems manifest in a classroom and how to handle. He has always been very strong academically and we know he is even more advanced academically than his peers but his emotional maturity seems weak. His decision making, his reactivity, etc. My husband is adamant that he needs to repeat first grade because he is behind emotionally. I'm concerned that it will further break down his self esteem to repeat first grade especially because he is cognitively strong. I feel like he will be bored and will end up finding things to do/acting impulsively in his new school out of boredom. We feel like the SI issues will get better with therapy but how do we develop him emotionally and socially so that he is on the same level in all areas? I should also mention that he is the oldest of our three boys and we feel that this has an impact. Essentially, his primary play partners are 4 and 5. Should we try to separate them and force him to play with older kids? Would that help him mature? Any advice you have would be appreciated!
Answer: Hello and thank you for your question...it's good to hear that you have identified the SI challenges with your son. And yes, definitely let the new school know about them - you may even want to download the Personality Profile on the Social Smart Kids website and give it to his new teacher along with a copy of the book "The Out of Sync Child" if he or she doesn't already own one for the classroom. Here's the link to the profile: http://www.socialsmartkids.com/files/Personality%20Profile%20Form.doc
The challenge with holding a child back a grade is a tough one. However, most of the educators and advocates that I know suggest that it does more self-esteem damage than good unless something is going to be dramatically different in terms of services and interventions when a child is held back. Going forward with the appropriate services in place seems to be better solution in opinions of those I have consulted with on this issue.
As far as playmates, I might suggest you look at it in terms of "expanding" rather than separating. Friends can be of any age and if your son does well with younger children, that is fine...I might suggest getting him involved in a social group with peers or setting up structured play dates with children his own age to practice with as well. I hope that my suggestions are helpful! Please feel free to write again!
