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Question Code: m5h7GTdW I appreciate your input from my previous question (question code zAYgOeCr ). In response to your questions & comments. My son does seem to be predominantly happy. The types of things he engages in during his off time are video games, tv, & homework. We do understand the pressures are different than when we were in high school and think it is important that kids have fun while doing all that is required. Our son does think & talk about his future & is focused on doing well in school & in football - he LOVES football. He also does focus on doing well in school, which we are very happy and proud of his level of maturity. The good thing about his love for football is that his coach has a zero tolerance policy for drugs & alcohol, if a player is caught with either they are off the team. So that policy will keep him straight. At school he hangs with all the football players & he says they all hang in a group. He knows lots of kids. When I have walked around with him, people always say "hi" to him. He seems to be liked. You asked what his responses have been to our questions. It has been mixed. He has said he doesn't care. He has said he is just not quite "in" with some of the groups, which I interpret that as not feeling "in". He did say once that if he hung with one of the groups , he'd bet some of those kids would not pass the drug test. Our H.S. drug tests (with parent approval). So we felt that was a good choice on his part. I don't think he is depressed. I do think you hit it on the head with what you said "There might be some social anxiety there however, so that may be something that you might have evaluated. Maybe he feels a little insecure, or may not have the know how to deepen the “acquaintance type” friendships at school into something deeper." We are thinking about taking him to a teen counselor, so I am glad you mentioned that. I don't want to be the over the top mother. Learning to deepen the acquaintances may be it. Any suggestions on a book etc.. May be hard to get him to read it. I have always said that my son is "an old sole". Adults complement him often & he like politics & talks about more intellectual stuff, not kid small talk. Any advice is welcomed.
Answer:
Hello again - thank you for providing a little more information on your son. He sounds like a truly wonderful young man and should be very proud of his ability to make such appropriate and positive choices for himself - kudos! I think as his mom, if you have him do a couple of sessions with a counselor to uncover whether or not he has a social anxiety issue, I think you'll find that may help. He may also do well if there are social opportunities presented to him with people older then himself - maybe a book club or getting involved in a town election process - I always tell the kids that come to my Center that a good friend does not have to be the same age. I don't have any specific books I would recommend, but here is a link to what Amazon.com has available regarding social anxiety. Good luck and let me know! http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=social+anxiety
Question Code: zAYgOeCr My 15 year old son has alot going for him. His is a good looking kid, plays football on the high school team, has a pleasant personality, gets good grades, likes schools, seems to have friends at school . He is respectful to me and my husband. Sounds good so far?? We are concerned because he NEVER reaches out to anyone after school , on the weekends, over breaks, never calls anyone. What do we do?? My husband & I are very social & don't get it. We have talked to him about it, made suggestions, encourage him to make plans.............
Answer: Hello and thank you for your question. I’d be interested to know that when you talk to him about social plans for after school and weekends, what are his responses? What types of activities is he engaging in after school and in his down time? Does he stay busy and is he predominantly happy? With the higher degree of pressure on high school kids these days, is he staying focused on doing well in football and getting good grades because he’s the kind of kid that’s thinking about his future? It’s interesting, I have a friend with a now 28 year old son who she would have described the same way. He’s now successful at work, drives a Corvette, but still likes to stay home and do his own thing when he’s not at work. There might be some social anxiety there however, so that may be something that you might have evaluated. Maybe he feels a little insecure, or may not have the know how to deepen the “acquaintance type” friendships at school into something deeper. Or maybe he truly just prefers to have a more solitary method of “down time” than other more social kids. I’m also wondering if sometimes the teens that are not giving their parents a run for their money with behavior like so many others, are protecting themselves from getting involved in activities that could potentially lead to activities that would involve alcohol, etc. For the most part, if you don’t feel as though his solitary lifestyle is a sign of anxiety or depression, he may just have a different social personality than you and Dad.
Question Code: dH5GXv3O Hi Donna, my 9 year old son always complains that he has low social ability. The kids he likes don't like him and some of the kids whom he doesn't like try to be his friends. He ends up with no friends. I'm worried he will be depressed if this continues. Can you give me some suggestions ? Thanks!
Answer: Thank you for your question. In not knowing your son, I might ask a few questions and maybe that may send you off in a direction that may help him.
Has he ever been evaluated to uncover the root of his social issues? It can be different things for different kids. Has someone observed him to watch him interact with peers at recess etc? There may be some social skills he needs to be master in order to get himself involved or make and maintain friendships. Your school system would be able to do this assessment or a good child psychologist could help tease out where he is struggling and help with tools and strategies to prevent him from becoming depressed.
Is he involved in a social skills program at school? If not, a chat with the guidance counselor would be in order. I would also recommend one outside of school as well to provide him with additional support as well as on-going practice in a more structured environment that focuses on building social skills. I don't know where you live, but if it's in Massachusetts, you can find a comprehensive list of social groups at www.aane.org. We also run them at the Center and Social Smart Kids has information on Learning for Life groups as well.
I would begin however, with working with the school or an evaluator to find out the "why" of his struggles.
Question Code: 6z4lWF7I my son is 8 and is doing well academically in school. He's a very smart kid and can pick up on social ques quickly. He's always been pretty quiet, but well liked. last year he started having anxiety about going to school and death. I think he realized the finality of death b/c my father died a year before that. He did verbalize that he was worried that we would die and not be around any more either. we took him to a therapist and he did very well and doesn't need to see her anymore b/c he's doing much better going to school. He used to cry every morning going to school for about 4 months. He didn't want to be separated from us. He does not want to go to other kids houses for play dates, but does like to have a few friends over our house. He does not want to go to birthday parties at all and is very happy playing by himself. We had him see a psychiatrist for depression and he was not diagnosed as depressed because he stated that he has friends and is well liked. I do my best to make play dates for him, but worry that he's not the "popular" kid and that his self esteem suffers because he doesn't make the effort to have a lot of friends. Do you think that as he gets older, he'll make the effort to be with his friends or just stay at his comfort level? He also doesn't want to go to camp this summer, but we make him because it's not healthy for him to stay home without social interaction. How can we get him to be more social? we do invite people to our house as much as possible and he sees us being social a lot and going out with friends. Do you think this is something that will come as his self esteem gets better? also what else can we do to help with his self esteem? thank you!!!!
Answer:
Thank you for your question! While it's not easy to answer questions about a young person without having met them, I'd be happy to make a few suggestions to try based on what I am reading in your e-mail and having worked with socially shy children at the Peter Pan Center.
I'm not sure in reading this if it's actually an issue of self-esteem. You mention that he is doing well in school and is generally well liked. He is invited for play dates, but chooses to have them at home instead. If it's self-esteem, I would be looking more for statements of, "I don't have any friends," "no one likes me," etc.
Sometimes we very social parents are sent non-social kids by the universe and wonder why they don't join in or want more friends. If your son has one or two good friends and is happy playing by himself (happy being the operative word here), he's likely going to be just fine in life. I often ask kids who are more on the "loner" side of life if they want more friends or if their mom wants them to have more friends and they usually laugh and say it's their mom. You might want to directly ask him if he's happy with school, his friends and life in general.
I do agree that you should continue to provide him social opportunities via play dates and at summer camp. Is it possible to allow him to choose which kind of camp he might be interested in?
Lastly, and actually I think mostly, he does sound as though he struggles with anxiety rather than depression (they can mimic each other). I read that you had taken him to a psychiatrist to rule out the depression and that it has helped around the fear of death. I still think there may be some lingering separation and social anxieties that might be addressed through some cognitive-behavioral therapy with a child psychologist or social worker, rather than a psychiatrist.
Thank you again for writing. If I can be of any more support, please let me know!
Warmly, Donna
Question Code: 7Pm6d4nl Hi Donna,My son turned 5 at the end of June and will be starting Kindergarten in Sept. He has been in speech therapy since 2.5 yrs old and has been in a special education preschool with a ratio of 1 to 6. Last year he was diagnosed with PDD-nos and I suspect that he also has ADHD. His IEP isn't for an integrated kindergarten and the classroom sizes are 24-26 for a teacher and an aide. He has done well with the small group and needs constant close attention by an adult to stay on task. I feel like he will be overwhelmed and isolated. I can volunteer in the classroom, but don't want to interfere. Any suggestions on what I can do?Karen
Answer: Hello and thank you for your question. I'm surprised that your little guy has been enrolled in a special ed pre-school (I'm assuming through the same school system he'll be attending for kindergarten) and that your team did not decide on continuing these smaller group services and putting him in a general education classroom. Are there supports for him built into his IEP for use of the aide in the classroom? It should not be something that you need to take upon yourself to volunteer to allow him to be successful in school. My best advice would be for you to have a conversation with a special education advocate (Nadine Briggs, who you can contact through Social Smart Kids is an excellent advocate) regarding whether or not his current IEP going into kindergarten is appropriate for his needs.
Please feel free to write me again!
Warmly, Donna
Question Code: KE6334U7 Hi Donna,I have 2 boys who are 9 and 5. The problem is with the 9 year old. He hasn't got many friends at school or at home but there are a couple of friends that he tends to stick with. The issue he has is that he will play fine with one of his friends (lets call him boy A) at home when there is just the two of them but as soon as another friend (lets call him boy B) comes to play too, my son always ends up fighting. It doesn't matter which one he plays with first, he always fights with boy B even though he plays fine with boy B when they are just the two of them. This has followed a pattern twice before with boys who used to come and play but don't bother anymore. I am worried that he will end up with no friends at all as boy B will begin to not play with him if every time boy A is around, my son keeps fighting him. I feel as though twos company, threes a crowd with him.
Answer: Hello and thank you for your question. I am a believer in that a mom is always right and your statement that "two's company and three's a crowd" is probably accurate for you son. Possibly navigating the more complex social skills needed in a trio are proving difficult for him. Actually, most children have difficulty negotiating play when there are three…the odds of even numbers are usually higher for successful playdates.
You may try a technique called Collaborate Problem Solving (taken from Ross Green's book the explosive child) to chat with your son (sometime when you are alone and are up for a calm conversation - maybe over an ice cream J) about his difficulties when both Boy A and B are over to play. The technique in a nutshell works like this:
Step 1 - Empathy Mom: You know, I've noticed that when both boys A and B come to play, it's kind of hard for everyone to get along…that must be hard for you.
Step 2 - Describe the Problem It's a good skill to know how to get along and play with more than one person at a time because you'll need that skill when you are older too.
Step 3 - A Problem-Solving Party What do you think you and I could come up with to solve the problem of fighting when the boys are over?
Or for a while, you might try letting him be successful in having just one friend over at a time and introducing the above ideas as his social interactions become stronger. I might also suggest that you involve him in a lunch bunch at school and/or a peer social skills problem outside of school that may help him with conflict resolution in small groups. I hope my answer helps! Please feel free to write again!
Warmly, Donna
Question Code: Tpwmf4cZ My 6 year old son has ADHD. He is medicated and that has addressed most everything. The only challenge he now has is social skills. He is not great at engaging friend and retaining friends. He cannot read their emotions and doesnt make great decisions in social circumstances (ie playground) He needs training and practice. How should I address this. Do I need a therapist or a group or should i buy and online tool. It breaks my heart when I see him wanting to be friends with someone and lacking the tools. Sometimes he will make a silly face. When he is playing with friends he only wants to play his way, he doesnt pick up on the fact that his friends want a turn to choose the game. When he is with a group of boys, he sometime appears "uncool" or immature. He doesnt know how to behave in certain situations. How should I begin to address this problem.
Answer: Hello and thank you for your question. I'm glad to hear that you have many supports in place for your son already. Social skills, for some reason, come more naturally to other kids than for some. However, much like swimming is a skill that comes more naturally to some, it's still a skill that can be learned as can social skills. You already mentioned many of the ways that you can help him. By my own experience in running programs at the Peter Pan Center, kids tend to learn these skills better in a group of their peers, so you may want to explore what is available to you nearby. Your son should also have social supports at school in the form of a "lunch bunch" or "recess club" led by the school guidance counselor. And there are many social skill building tools available for him (in particular, the Social Smart Kid Cards available on this website) that can be quite helpful.
My initial answer to your question on where to start would be to find a local social skills program for him to work on these skills with his peers. Please feel free to let me know if I can be of any further help!
Warmly, Donna
Question Code: SZC5zsjU Hi Donna,My younger sister is 9 years old and suffers from mild MR. In the past she was able to forge friendships and even participate in playdates with kids from school, but as she gets older it seems she is becoming more and more alienated by her differences. To make matters worse, her lack of friends at school has caused her to rely heavily on "imaginary friends," and dread going to school altogether. This is very painful for our entire family to watch, and my questions to you are: A.) Are their any social skills groups offered to the cape and islands area, for kids her age? and B.) Do you have any recommendations or tips for this special situation. Thank you.
Answer:
Hello and thank you for your question. Here is a link for you to a comprehensive listing of social skills programs in Massachusetts:
I'm sure it is painful to watch your sister having difficulty keeping up with her peers as the gap in development becomes more evident. I did have a couple of thoughts for you:
First, does her IEP involve a social component and goals that address these issues? If not, your family may want to consult with a special education consultant regarding writing solid social goals for your sister (Nadine Briggs who is the founder of Social Smart Kids specializes in this).
My other thought is this....in my work with children in my social skills programs, we often talk about the fact that a friend does not have to be your own age. I explain that I have friends younger than myself and also lots older than myself and what matters most is that it is someone that you enjoy being with and have things in common with. Rather than focusing on her chronological age and peer group, it might be advantageous to her to foster friendships where she is developmentally. I have also "disguised" this sometimes as having an older child help me with younger children so maybe there are children at school that she could be an older "buddy" to and enjoy not only helping, but engaging in social situations where she doesn't need to rely on her imaginary friends to get through her school day.
I hope this helps! Please feel free to write again if I can be of further support.
Warmly, Donna
Question Code: O3V639Lo Hello,I have a nine year old son who seems to have friends at school. The problem is he's asked his friends over to play after school and none of them have ever called and asked him over. Not once! I want my child to be happy and have friends and I can tell it's starting to bother him. I feel like both him and I are being used. What should I do? My friends tell me I shouldn't have kids over for awhile and see what happens. I'm just afraid this will upset my son.Thanks for your timeShelley
Answer:
Hello and thank you for your question!
A couple of things come to mind in response to your son's situation with his friends. The first is simply that in our busier-than-ever world, I think families get so overbooked and overwhelmed that I'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt that they mean well and promise themselves they'll reciprocate a playdate and then it doesn't come to mind again until your son invites their child over. I also think that somehow in this day and age, we've somehow lost track of proper etiquette in that one good playdate deserves another (at the other child's house!) In this instance, you might want to gently suggest to the other mom in the form of "hey, my little guy would also love to visit your little guy one of these days too!) If he is feeling socially isolated, I would not suggest discontinuing playdates. On the up side, he is having successful playdates that you can monitor.
The above is my simple answer....the more complex answer would be my wondering if there is a "why" to your son not being invited to play in other peoples' homes. You don't mention in your note as most folks do who write through this website, that he might have a deeper social issue that includes ADHD, or behavior issues, or things like that. If not, my simple answer stands, but if he does have some of these challenges, maybe the other moms are finding a playdate challenging to host. Again, it would take some courage on your part, but if you know these moms well enough, you might say something like, "I'm feeling a little worried that my son has hosted playdates without a return invite. I'd be very interested to know if there is a specific reason I should know about so that I can help him, or if life is just too busy?"
I hope hope that helps! Please feel free to write again!
Warmly, Donna
Question Code: d93WHVh9 My youngest son who is in fourth grade and nearly nine is extremely intellegent. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and has taken meds since he has been 6.The problem is that since July (ish) he has decided that he does not want to be treated like a little kid...understandable, but he wants equality with adults and refuses to comply with simple adult requests because he "hasn't done anything wrong" How can I communicate to him his need to comply? I am a teacher with 15 years experience, so when I say I've tried EVERYTHING, I am totally not joking.He has been suspended from school for refusing to comply with his teacher, he has run away from daycare because they "were chasing" him, he has probably been kicked off the bus because he refused to change seats this AM at the request of the driver.
Answer:
Hello! Thank you for your question.
Instead of focusing on "compliance," I might suggest you try the process of "collaboration" with this very strong personality. The best techniques that I have discovered for managing difficult and oppositional behaviors can be found in a book entitled "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. The process is quite a bit in depth to go into in this forum, but I have used it successfully for many years, both with the children I work with and my own very strong-willed (now 21 years old) son. With a little bit of chance in language and approach, adult gain gain compliance through what I call the "back door" since usually direct orders or imposing adult will cause the challenges you describe above.
Please feel free to let me know if you have any more questions. I'd also be interested to hear if this works for you and other adults who work with your son.
